Finally falling in love 04/29/2011
Everyone talks about how they feel this instant bond with a child when they know that they are pregnant. It's a love that you can't even describe other than unconditional.
I felt love for Ariana the day that we got the call that we had a match and she would be ours. We spent months driving up for Dr. visits and seeing her on that little monitor. Then she was finally here. I have loved her since October, but was so guarded with my heart. Everyday until we were on our way home, I knew that our dream could be shattered at any moment. I thought it would get better when we got home and I could relax, but then there are the social worker visits and you constantly being reminded that she isn't "officially yours" until you are in court and the judge bangs his little gavel.
We have had so many heartbreaks that I was terrified. I told Clark that I felt like a bad mom because I felt like she was my stepchild. I LOVE Alex and Jill, but I am always reminded that I don't get to be the mom in their lives. I am the person that loves them like my own, would give anything for them but then I have to send them back to their mom's house. I have been so worried that something would happen where Ariana would be taken back too. (The birthfather's rights aren't being officially terminated until the first part of May. Our paperwork even says "High Risk Adoption".)
I realized last weekend, after our 2nd social worker visit, everything was going to be fine. I realized it at about 3 a.m. while holding this beautiful little girl in my arms. I was trying to get her back to sleep, but all she was interested in was smiling and making her own noises. It was looking into her eyes at that moment that I realized I had fallen in love with MY child. She is ours. She is the one that God had for us all along.